The First "Change" That Ever Brought Me Peace...

You might be able to tell by the title of this post...I hate change.
Normally, I fight it...it makes me nervous...worried...
But this past week, I made a change...one you'll probably never expect...
One you probably never saw coming...
And it has brought me more peace than I could have EVER imagined.

Last week was quite a week.  
Never have I been more stressed, worried, and afraid.

Exhaustion and tears filled my week.

My entire life, I have loved working with children.

"You should be a teacher!" people said to me.

I have always love teaching/training people how to do things.

"You should be a teacher!" people said to me.

I have a lot of patience.

"You should be a teacher!" people said to me.

Ok. I guess I'll be a teacher!

People said I'd be good at it.

I liked playing school as a child.

I didn't know what else I should be/do.

I'll be a teacher.

I can handle that.

I never even thought about being anything else.
I never really considered myself very smart or career-oriented.
But I figured I could balance my true love (being a mom and wife) with a teaching career.

As I went through all of my education classes at WGU, I really enjoyed them.

But as I got closer and closer to student teaching...the anxiety started coming.

I kept brushing it off.

I'm sure it will go away as it gets closer I thought.

Friends told me, "You're going to LOVE student teaching!"

It got closer and closer...and the anxiety got worse and worse.

By the time last fall rolled around and I began my pre-clinical observations at the local elementary school...I was literally having panic attacks at the thought of standing in front of a classroom.

The thought of teaching an entire class of kids...dealing with classroom management/discipline...it was overwhelming me.
It wasn't just nerves.
It wasn't the kind of thing that goes away with practice.
I was having SERIOUS DOUBTS about my career choice and degree program.
Did I really even WANT to become a teacher?
Was it REALLY for me?

I LOVE working one-on-one with students.

I LOVE working in small groups of students.

I LOVE working with and helping families.

But the thought of teaching in the classroom kept sending me into full blown panic attacks and it just wasn't something I really looked forward to or could see myself doing.

By the time January rolled around it was really bad.

But I kept telling myself, "You just gotta get through these 12 weeks."

On Monday when my placement specialist told me there was a cancellation in Mattawan that he might be able to slide me into for student teaching...to tell you the honest truth...it wasn't the DRIVE that bothered me so much (an hour away).  It wasn't the fact that it was FIFTH GRADE that bothered me so much (I adore the younger kiddos).  Although NEITHER of those were appealing.  It was the fact that I'd be standing in front of the classroom teaching.  I was terrified.  And I honestly just didn't want to do it!  As it turned out, door after door kept closing with various student teaching placement options.  I didn't know whether to be discouraged or rejoice, honestly.

Hubby and I talked and talked and talked all week long deciding what I should do.  I had been praying and soul-searching.  My heart just wasn't in teaching anymore.

I was enrolled in the BAISK8 program (bachelor of arts interdisciplinary studies k-8) which leads to state certification/licensure for teaching.  I later found out there was another program called BAES (bachelor of arts educational studies).  The only difference in the BAES program was, in the last semester instead of doing student teaching and applying for a state teaching certificate, there are additional classes and a culminating graduation research project/senior thesis to be completed.  The BAES program does not lead to a teaching certificate.  It is a more broad/generalized education degree.  When I thought about the BAES program, I'd have complete peace in my heart.  When I'd go back to the BAISK8 program, the anxiety, panic attacks, and doubt came back. I was in tears trying to decide what to do.  I talked to my adviser.  She had told me that generally one is not allowed to change programs mid-term.  So I poured out my heart and told her everything I had been experiencing and she said, "Let me make some phone calls."

I spoke with my adviser again the next day and found out we had been granted permission to change my program!  Her manager made the necessary changes and I have changed my program to the BAES (bachelor of arts educational studies) program.  I will not be teaching.  I have done soul-searching and come to the conclusion that I honestly don't want to teach in the elementary classroom.  I will not regret my decision.  I did a lot of research and looked at all of the possibilities of career choices I can enter with the BAES degree.  There is a broad range of career options that appeal to me!  At this point in my life...what I have wanted more than anything, was the actual accomplishment of graduating college and earning my degree.  I wanted to be able to say, "I DID IT!"  It wasn't that I wanted to honestly be a teacher.  I wanted that DEGREE and COLLEGE EDUCATION more than anything!  I wanted to be able to say, "I'M SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT!"  "I DID IT!"  So I'm proud to say, in May I will have my degree!  I am going to have to work even harder the next four months because I lost two months while they were searching for my placement.  But I CAN DO IT!  I will GET THAT DEGREE AND GRADUATE!  I am planning to stay at Gentex while I finish and until I find another career path that I will enjoy.  I love Gentex and am so grateful for the friends I've made there and all they've done for me since I closed my daycare.  I did some job searching already for different positions that would fit my BAES degree. I found positions with corporate training, educational programs in hospitals, children/family services, educational director for museums, camps, parks, zoos, director in early childhood programs, writing/editing curriculum...and if I want to be in the schools, there are a lot of non-certified jobs I can do.  I found LOADS of jobs/career paths that this other degree would fit and it really excites me that I have so many more options!

This past week was awful.

The entire time I prayed...I prayed that the RIGHT doors would OPEN and the WRONG doors would CLOSE.

Every placement for student teaching ended up closing.  And the BAES program which I wasn't supposed to be allowed to switch into now...OPENED!

I have such peace in my heart now.

God speaks to us in different ways.  For me, I know when God speaks and answers by the peace I feel in my heart.  For all those months I was experiencing anxiety, panic attacks and doubt, I knew things weren't right. There were times I was crying out to God saying, "Where are you Lord? What do I do? I need help and answers!"  He always placed the right people in my path, verses to cling to, sermons to listen to, and songs to hear.  I am so grateful to the Lord for always being with me.  He never leaves us or forsakes us.

I am also so grateful for the amazing university I go to and the staff who have helped and supported me in my academic journey.  They are the most supportive people and truly want to see students succeed.  I am so excited about graduation and we're even thinking about making the trip to the ceremony!  We shall see!
Thanks so much to everyone who has supported and prayed for me thus far!
Love you all!

Signing off for now!

#WGU #nightowl 

Melody