I am ashamed of myself.
I am ashamed at my lack of faith.
Evan goes for his follow-up x-rays this Friday for his scoliosis in his back.
And I have been praying and believing that God will touch him so that he doesn't need to have any treatment.
What I am afraid of, uncertain of, and almost ashamed of...is...
The fact that I really don't know what I should be asking God for.
I believe with all of my heart that God does miracles.
I have read about all of the miracles in the Bible.
I have heard countless stories from pastors, evangelists, and missionaries.
I have read stories.
I believe it with my whole heart.
What I am uncertain of though...
Is...
What should I be asking God for.
Do I ask Him that the curve has not gotten any worse...therefore Evan won't require any treatment. (That's what they told us last time...as long as it doesn't progress, he won't need treatment.)
Or...
Do I have the faith to ask God to totally heal him?
I've been wrestling with this ever since we found out that he had scoliosis.
If I ask God to not let it progress, does that mean I lack the faith to ask for a miracle and believe that God is capable of healing my son completely?
I know we always pray, "Your will be done..."
But sometimes, I almost feel like that's a cop-out...like I don't have the faith to believe God is capable of bigger and better things...so if I just say, "Your will be done..." I know I've covered the whole spectrum of things and have to just accept whatever happens as His will.
I feel so confused.
I do know too...that sometimes God uses doctors and the medical field to help us through situations.
I'm just sitting here though, the human side of me, thinking I don't want Evan to go through any of the medical interventions I did (or anyone else) for his condition.
I am really letting it all out in the open right now.
This is just how I feel.
Because Evan is my baby.
I always try to appear to have it all together.
Like I know what I'm doing.
Give the best advice I can to others.
Listen to them.
Encourage them.
Pray for them.
But right now...I'm letting it all hang out.
I just really feel vulnerable, uncertain, and almost ashamed of myself for not knowing how to pray for my son.
Right now...all I'm going to do is GIVE IT TO GOD.
Lord...I am giving you my baby. Take care of him. Protect him. Touch him. Give us both peace.
And give me wisdom...and growth from this.
In your name...
Amen.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
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Being afraid to ask God for a complete healing does not mean you lack faith...no matter what or how you pray, the Lord knows your heart. He knows you just want what is best for Evan. No matter what you ask (or don't ask for) the Lord's will Will be done. Praying to him IS an act of faith. He knows what is on your heart even before you do! I know it's not always easy, but just give your worries to him, lay them at his feet. Trust that no matter what happens, He will provide for your EVERY need.
ReplyDeleteLove you and I will be praying for you :)
Melly: I can concur with you on how you feel about not sure how to pray, but the main thing is to just pray, He understands, though His ways are not our ways. He sees the whole picture, way down the road, we see a small window of the picture, the present. Sometimes He uses things, illnesses or trials for our growth and His glory. You know and I know that I've prayed for healing for a longgg time, but it hasn't come. But I see much good in what I've gone through with my minor difficulties, I say minor--in comparison with others. But they are major to me, when I've had chronic pain for years and years and have taken more prescription (narcotic)painkillers than I'd care to tell, but a person has to do something to just try to get by or the pain will drive you nuts. But I am beginning to see that my 'affliction', if you call it that has caused much growth and reliance on God and can be used as a testimony--not the kind I'd like--for instance, to be able to say "God totally healed me of my scoliosis and took the hump out of my back" but rather He gives me the grace and patience to endure it an to empathize with others having similar problems. The cherry juice I'm taking has been somewhat of an answer to prayer in that it has reduced one area of pain greatly. Still having my headaches and sleep deprivation, but hey, I'm no "spring chicken" anymore. Mom and I are praying for the appointment this Friday, for a miracle of total healing, or for no change in the degree of curvature for the worst. Sounds like a double standard prayer to me, but I'm only human.
ReplyDeleteLove, DAD
PS:As soon as the ticket sales and dinner menu is posted down south, I will tell you what you guys can choose from for the pre-show dinner. It was excellent food and service last year.