Purpose

I am not sure what is going on.

But I am so restless right now.

I am not settled.

And it's more than just being frustrated in my job.

It's not that.

I have an uncertainty going on.

It's been going on for some time.

Not sure when it started.

It started with job frustrations.

But now...

It has lead to a real sense of restlessness.

I am looking for purpose.

I am looking for fulfillment.

I am longing for something.

I am trying to figure out what it is.

I need something different.

And if it's not completely changing my line of work...I need something to "complete" me.

Everyone says, "What do you enjoy?"

"What is your passion?"

I don't know.

I'm not really good at any one thing.

I can do alot of things.

But I'm not truely GOOD at any one thing.

It's like I attempt all these things...

But I'm not truely passionate or good at any one thing.

I thought working with children was "my thing".

But now I realize that most people don't have the same vision that I do.

I visualized my job as early childhood education and got my CDA Credential.

Clients see my job as a cheaper alternative to a "real" daycare center.

So I moved on...

I entered the dental assisting program and graduated from that thinking that might be an answer.

Of course...

Upon graduation...

There are now no jobs in that field.

So...

Here I am.

I really don't think early childhood education or the dental field are my "calling".

I don't feel a real "passion" for either.

Although the dental program WAS very interesting and I think if I had the opportunity, I might enjoy that work.

But...

Is it a "passion"?

I don't think so.

I am looking for purpose.

My passion.

Jamie has encouraged me to go back to school if I want.

But I will be 38 years old next month.

None of my college credits are valid anymore...it's been too long.

I'd have to start at square one.

And when would I have time to study?

Working 55 hours a week.

I have a husband and two children.

I mean seriously.

So I wonder...

Maybe it's not giving up my current job that I need to do.

Maybe it's finding something else to do along with it.

Something that can be done in my own time that just gives me a sense of fulfillment.

I've always wanted to take violin lessons.

But...

Violins are very expensive.

But...

People tell me they're hard to learn.

Maybe it's just fear.

Excuses.

Lately, I have been considering writing.

I'm sure I have no real talent for it.

But I guess you don't know unless you try.

People have written books, columns, blogs, and more...and never dreamed they'd end up getting PAID to do it.

I don't know.

I don't know what my passion is.

I don't know what I'm good at.

You see people all the time open up these clever, unique businesses that end up prospering.

Maybe I just need SOMEONE ELSE to tell me what I'm good at.

Anyone?

God?